I have to remind myself

that I'm not broken (Psalm 139:14)

that I'm not a failure as a woman

God fills the emptiness (Psalm 145:19)

it's not my fault

I didn't do anything wrong

God still has a plan for us (Jer 29:11, Isaiah 55:8-9)

You aren't letting your husband down


I've considered writing a blog like this for a while now, and I guess now is the time.  Previous blogs I've started by never posted were called "crying in the bathroom", "two hard years", "real life" and now I'm at this one.  It might be a bit of a muddled mess with all my thoughts.

We've been trying to have a child for over 2 years now, and my womb is still barren.  There have been lots of tears, lots of pain, lots of questions and lots of blood work.  My poor arms are bruised about every other week these days.
The blood work is because we've started infertility testing and treatments.  I won't get into it all right now, but we're still praying and waiting.
It's hard to even admit this because the thoughts above start sneaking in again..."don't tell anyone - it's embarrassing that your body doesn't work right".
BUT this is still how God made me, and it's OK!  I'm still fearfully and wonderfully made!

Another hard part is that I feel like I'm hurting Brian.  I haven't been able to make him a dad. He's amazing with kids and will be a wonderful father!  We've talked about that and he's been amazing to me.  He's very supportive and helpful in this whole process, and it's definitely brought us even closer together.

We've had some great advice from friends, and Scriptures have just been a huge comfort to me...when I remind myself of their truth.  It seems like a constant battle to remind myself of how God sees me, and not how other people might see me or even how I see myself sometimes.
This is also teaching me more about what being patient or long-suffering really means.  Also makes me realize and think: Do I truly trust God and that His ways are better than my ways and that He still has a plan for us?

I'm trying to trust and be patient every day.  Some days are harder than others.  I know that 2 years of waiting isn't much compared to what other people have been through.  A sweet friend told me once that your pain is your pain - it's real to you and hurts no matter what other people think.

So I think it's important to just be real in this.  Let myself feel the pain and sadness and also still let myself have hope in God's plans and the future.  I have to fight to not build up walls around my heart to try and "protect myself" from feeling.  I'm trying not to hide away the emotions...well and now all the medicine is helping with that.  Sometimes I can't help but cry. hahaha

Anyway, we appreciate your prayers and will keep you updated (if anyone still reads this). :)