I have to remind myself

that I'm not broken (Psalm 139:14)

that I'm not a failure as a woman

God fills the emptiness (Psalm 145:19)

it's not my fault

I didn't do anything wrong

God still has a plan for us (Jer 29:11, Isaiah 55:8-9)

You aren't letting your husband down


I've considered writing a blog like this for a while now, and I guess now is the time.  Previous blogs I've started by never posted were called "crying in the bathroom", "two hard years", "real life" and now I'm at this one.  It might be a bit of a muddled mess with all my thoughts.

We've been trying to have a child for over 2 years now, and my womb is still barren.  There have been lots of tears, lots of pain, lots of questions and lots of blood work.  My poor arms are bruised about every other week these days.
The blood work is because we've started infertility testing and treatments.  I won't get into it all right now, but we're still praying and waiting.
It's hard to even admit this because the thoughts above start sneaking in again..."don't tell anyone - it's embarrassing that your body doesn't work right".
BUT this is still how God made me, and it's OK!  I'm still fearfully and wonderfully made!

Another hard part is that I feel like I'm hurting Brian.  I haven't been able to make him a dad. He's amazing with kids and will be a wonderful father!  We've talked about that and he's been amazing to me.  He's very supportive and helpful in this whole process, and it's definitely brought us even closer together.

We've had some great advice from friends, and Scriptures have just been a huge comfort to me...when I remind myself of their truth.  It seems like a constant battle to remind myself of how God sees me, and not how other people might see me or even how I see myself sometimes.
This is also teaching me more about what being patient or long-suffering really means.  Also makes me realize and think: Do I truly trust God and that His ways are better than my ways and that He still has a plan for us?

I'm trying to trust and be patient every day.  Some days are harder than others.  I know that 2 years of waiting isn't much compared to what other people have been through.  A sweet friend told me once that your pain is your pain - it's real to you and hurts no matter what other people think.

So I think it's important to just be real in this.  Let myself feel the pain and sadness and also still let myself have hope in God's plans and the future.  I have to fight to not build up walls around my heart to try and "protect myself" from feeling.  I'm trying not to hide away the emotions...well and now all the medicine is helping with that.  Sometimes I can't help but cry. hahaha

Anyway, we appreciate your prayers and will keep you updated (if anyone still reads this). :)

Reach out to one

Everything around us in the world is telling us to be the next big thing (American Idol, the Voice, etc) or we should be making big impacts at work or in the community around us.  Get the big promotion; come up with the big idea that changes things at work for the good; make the big deal; find a new technology that revolutionizes everyone.

I’m a numbers person.  I love math; I like doing budgets and paying bills, etc.  I almost always have a calculator (aside from on my phone).  So I definitely get caught up in the numbers and thinking I need to make a big impact with big numbers.  I want to see big changes (at work, at church, in small groups, etc).  I want to big a great “leaders/facilitator” for Hope2Africa and small groups. 

Lately, I’m realizing that it’s not about being the best and making big impacts.   Really, when I think about it, am I wanting to make big impact or see big change because of my pride and thinking I've done well or because I want to see the change? 

God’s been teaching me that it’s not about being the next big thing, or making the big deal or having the next big idea.  It’s not even about trying to share the gospel with 300+ people, or trying to get 12 new people in your small group.  Really it's not 

Then some of you might feel the opposite - that there are SO MANY people around you that are in need - need food, need love, need to hear about God's love, etc, that it's IMPOSSIBLE.  You may think it's impossible, too big of a task, and just not even worth it to try.

 Luke 15:3-7 says:

³ Then Jesus told them this parable: ⁴ “Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? ⁵ And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders ⁶ and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.’ ⁷ I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent. (from Bible Gateway)

Sometimes all we need to do is pay attention to that one sheep. I'm sure there is one specific person in your life that needs something - your time, love, maybe some food, money, their lawn mowed, a ride, etc.  We should look around us and not miss the opportunity to make an impact on that one person who really needs it. 

Who is that one sheep in your life that you need to go after?